SmartPeoples Guide

Joke Page 3 - If you need more laughs, maybe this page will help.


          

Help From Above


An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself,
"I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice
booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone
at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing
in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash
the life out of the chief. He is breathing heavily while
standing above the lifeless body.

Surrounding him are 100 native warriors with a look of
shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . 

. . . NOW you're screwed."


          

Just Driving Along

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer." And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door." ====================

Jesus is Watching

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically , he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Speed Trap


  Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along
at 22 MPH.  He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"  He turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.

  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old
  ladies  --two in the front seat and three in the back
  . . . wide eyed and white as ghosts.

 The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit.  What seems
to be the problem?"

 "Ma'am" the officer replies,  "You weren't speeding, but you
 should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also
 be a danger to other drivers."

 "Slower than the speed limit?  No sir, I was doing the speed
 limit exactly . . . Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman
 says a bit proudly. 

  The Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains
  to her that the "22" was the route number, not the speed
  limit.

  A bit embarassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer
  for pointing out her error to her.

  "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . is
  everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken
  and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time"
  the officer says.

  "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got
  off Route 119.


                    =================

                    Famous Quotes

   One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way
   to motivate her class. She told them that she would read
   a quote and the first student to correctly identify who
   said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour."  Little
Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

 The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do
 for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another
 young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!""Very good," says the
 teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little
Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon
overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to
know who said it.  

Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton.
I'll see you tomorrow.

=============

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This page is dated April 2000