Help From AboveAn explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . . . NOW you're screwed."
Just Driving AlongA truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer." And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door." ====================
Jesus is WatchingLate one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically , he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Speed TrapSitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies --two in the front seat and three in the back . . . wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am" the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly . . . Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that the "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error to her. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time" the officer says. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119. ================= Famous Quotes One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!""Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you tomorrow. =============
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This page is dated April 2000